Ladies of the Flame

We are drawn to bonfires, fireplaces, campfires, candles... Who hasn't been hypnotized by the fire, and seen faces, heard whispers... I always saw women wearing beautiful ballgowns, dancing in the flames.

At the bonfire we had a couple nights ago, I took photos with my cell phone, a crappy camera with poor focus, but managed to capture some of the women who dance in my fires.

"So... Duh!" Soda. The Soda for Sleepovers

My kids rarely get soda, so when they are around soda, they suck it down like a Dyson. Other kids get soda on a regular basis, so when they are around soda, they suck it down like a Dyson.

Let's face it- kids love soda.

When a parent hosts a sleepover, they want to offer the usual sleepover fare; doritos, m&m's, pizza, chips and dip, and of course, soda.

The problem comes when you watch the kids actively enjoying the sleepover. ("Sleepover" is an oxymoron. No one actually sleeps. I think the term comes from "over sleep", which is what the host parents do for work the following day.) Anyway, back to the kids at the sleepover. Watch as a kid runs in, grabs a can of soda, opens it "kruk-TISHH!" takes a single sip, sets it down, and runs out of the room. In less than five minutes, the same kid is back. He doesn't even bother to survey the half dozen open soda cans on the table. He goes straight to the case and grabs a new one. If you stop him and say, "Hey! Drink the one you already opened!" and gesture toward the table, he will eye you suspiciously and say, "That's not mine." If you try to force him to take one of the opened ones on the table, he'll take it, but won't drink from it (he'll hide it under a coffee table, or between the sofa and the wall), and you'll end up feeling like a bar pervert roofie-ing chicks at last call.

After everyone has gone home, you will go through your house and collect hundreds of practically-full cans of soda. You'll marvel at their sheer numbers and existence. Did you even buy this much soda, or do the cans breed in dark corners?

You'll carry the cans to the sink and empty them, watching all that money go down the drain.

Some parents keep a sharpie and roll of masking tape, to write names on the cans of soda. I tried this. I dumped lots of 'named' sodas after the party. There was no point in indicting anyone; nearly all were guilty. I've also tried the "2-liter bottles, and solo cups, with sharpie" method. Kids would literally walk off with entire bottles, to themselves ("I'm taking this upstairs for all my friends.") only to find a 2-liter size stain on the hallway carpet the next day.

Some parents refuse to pay full price for Coke or Pepsi, opting instead for the hand-jobs of soda: "Faygo", "Shasta, "Moon Mist" and "Dr Thunder". At these parties, they still have to go around collecting nearly-full cans, but are consoled by not having spent coke and pepsi prices.

I have a better idea (other than the best idea- I now serve only water to kids at my parties). I will invent a special "sleepover soda", called "So... Duh!" versions of regular brands. It will look and feel and taste just like Coke or Pepsi, Mtn Dew, or Dr Pepper. Each 12 oz can will be weighted to feel like 12 oz, but will contain only one ounce of soda, at the top. Because I've figured out kids at parties do not like to drink soda as much as they like to open soda. These cans will be fully-recyclable, and actually worth more than regular soda cans at cash-in time, thanks to the honeycomb of aluminum adding extra weight inside the can.

Kid runs in, grabs a can of Dr. Pepper "So... Duh!" edition, opens it "kruk-TISHH", takes a sip, sets it down, and runs off. Even if that can gets knocked over, it will be less than an ounce of soda soaking into your berber.

I will charge half of the regular price for this version. It seems like a lot for 1/12th the product, but parents are still coming out way ahead in the frustration department, as well as the recycling side and the cost of carpet cleaning.