Trapped

 This morning I let the dogs out and while they were out, I went to go pee. Then I washed my hands, and I've been trying to get in the habit of putting lotion on my hands afterwards, so my hands don't look like that of a crypt keeper. So I'm rubbing lotion on my hands and I got a little more than I had intended. And Arden starts talking to me from the other side of the door. I try to come out to talk to her, and I can't get the door open because my hands are too lotiony. So I quickly try to rub it in more, and try the door again. Nope, still too lotiony. Now, Arden is on the other side of the door hearing me try to open the door multiple times. I need to find new places for the lotion, so I start rubbing my elbows and my forearms. I try the door knob again, and it might have been okay, except I'd already smeared lotion on it twice. So I still can't open the door. Arden has now heard me try to open the door three times, so she says, "Are you stuck in there or something?". 

By now I'm laughing hysterically because I'm trapped in the bathroom, and the door isn't even locked. And I'm rubbing the lotion on my neck and my face and my belly (it didn't occur to me that I could have used a towel), and trying the door again. 

I should point out that at no time in this conversation did Arden try to help me out and open the door for me. She just kept talking. 

I finally got the door open. I'm greasy head to toe, and laughing at the whole thing and Arden says, "Are you drunk?!" 

It's 8am!!! 

And she thinks I'm drunk. Which is really, really funny. And kicks off renewed laughter.

They've been worried about me for a while now, but I'm sure they will be planning an intervention after this.

Hey, Ron! Look What Happened When Your 2nd Moved to Texas!

 Yeah, this is apparently how millennials do it these days. You just log on to social media and learn big news about friends and family.

Also, your eldest bought a house, but cannot host a big House Warming party because of the pandemic. 

Hey Ron! It's a Pandemic!

Not only are you missing the Pandemic of 2020, and the BLM protests against Police Brutality, but your son had to finish out the school year online, with distance learning, and we received his report card in the mail today. He got all A's!
In addition to attending the protests, 4/5 of your kids are back at work, now. Masks are abundant and everyone is being careful. I enforce a strict "10 minutes *minimum* a day of sunshine", to keep their Vitamin D levels up. They are taking zinc and iodine and Vitamin C. You know I'm staying up late into the night, reading all about this virus, and learning from autopsy reports, and making grand announcements that everyone is terrified to disobey. I've supplied them with supplements and inhalers and nebulizers and o2 monitors.
They are adults, and making smart choices. You'd be so proud. I wish you were here to help our eldest pick out a house. That was always going to be your job, remember? Walking through each house, channeling every cast member from This Old House, talking about "good bones", or spotting termite damage from 50 yards, and proclaiming in Tom Silva's voice, "All this has to come out!".
The best I can do is pass on all I learned through Saturday Morning Osmosis.
We are buying a new mower soon. If you could see the state of the yard, you'd come back from the dead just to fire up a Gravely and "knock down the high spots".

I hope at least one kid got your lawn mowing work ethic, haha.