Rent-a-Lent

Lent is rapidly approaching (Feb 18- Apr 2), and a lot of you are wondering how you are going to give up the things you know you should give up this year. The idea of "40 Days to a Better You" sounds amazing, but you just don't have the time, or if we are being honest, the willpower.
That's where I come in! I'm going to be doing Lent this year, and if I may say so myself, I'm an excellent Lenter. As long as I'm giving up my stuff, it's no trouble for me to give up yours, as well. By contracting with me for all your Lenten needs, you can have your King Cake and eat it, too.

Giving up Sugar- $50
Giving up Red Meat- $40
Giving up Wine- $40
Giving up Liquor- $60
Giving up Chocolate- $50
Giving up Coffee- $50
Giving up Smoking- $50
Giving up Cursing/ Swearing- $50
Giving up a Sedentary Lifestyle- $60
Giving up Yelling at Children- $50
Giving up Road Rage- $40
Giving up TV- $60
Giving up Comic Books- $40
Giving up Texting While Driving- $40

This price includes all 40 Days of Lent. Go about your busy days with work and the kids, go ahead and enjoy that slice of pie, flip off that guy who is driving the speed limit in the passing lane, order that bacon cheeseburger, knowing your Lent obligations are covered.  I will fully and completely abstain from the food/ activity/ non-activity of your choice every day of Lent so you can arrive at Easter a cleaner, healthier, more enlightened you!

This offer ends midnight Feb 16th. Don't risk being stuck ordering fish at the Steak House. Join now!

One Good Deed Went Unpunished

There's a mom in the LOL group who looks a lot like Elizabeth Montgomery. For those of you too young to know that name, I'll say Nicole Kidman. I've never really talked to her, not even to tell her she looks like Nicole Kidman because 1) Thursdays are usually crazy busy, and 2) I'm sure she's probably tired of hearing that she looks like Nicole Kidman. 3) Over the years I've found that many people do not find attractive the celebrity they resemble. I've seen folks who could double for Sandra Bullock, Mariah Carey, and Jennifer Lawrence, but when you tell them so, they say something like, "I just really don't think she's that pretty.". I was once told I looked like Belinda Carlisle, and I smiled, because Belinda Carlisle is not bad at all, when the commenter said, "No, not Belinda Carlisle today, the one from the 80's, when she was fat and on drugs." Oh. Well, that's cool, too, I guess. Anyway, surely she has lots of other talents aside from looking like Nicole Kidman, I just never have had a chance to ask. Well, last Thursday, someone left a bag containing a laptop, a journal of some sort (I didn't read it), and sheet music. Guess to whom it belonged? And when I met her in a parking lot to give her the bag, she thanked me with good chocolate. So, ONE good deed has not only gone unpunished, but was also appreciated and rewarded! And now I know that the Elizabeth Montgomery/ Nicole Kidman lookalike mom buys good chocolate.

Being in an Audience for Dummies

After watching the PopShop videos from tonight, it's obvious I need to teach a class. 
To the audience. 

Lesson 1. Yes, it's a restaurant. People are ordering and serving food. Unless you are ordering or serving food, sit down. I'm not talking about the "standing room only, can't find a seat" folks. I mean the social butterflies who flit around the room, in front of every camera possible. 

Lesson 2. Just because it's not YOUR kid playing a song right now, doesn't mean you should talk loudly, over the music, next to the parent who is recording their child. Honestly, the band was playing Alien Ant Farm's "Smooth Criminal" and the vocalist cannot even be heard over the chatter.

Lesson 3. Sit. The. Fuck. Down. Ok, so you come back to your table and see a person near you is making a video of a band. Do not turn to see who they happen to be filming and then *stand there* between the band and the videographer and watch the rest of the song! Sit down, take a knee, sit on your friend's lap, I don't care- Just, MOVE.

Lesson 4. If you want to know about the food that the restaurant serves, do not approach a random audience member that is obviously filming the band currently playing and ask them "Do you know if the peppers are hot?". Seriously, the dude filming was dressed like an undertaker; he's not the one cooking your food. 
(Raw face is just gross)

You know who you are. I have you on video, and I'm not afraid to post it on facebook and tag you.