Hey, Ron!

Hey, Ron! I feel like you'd be a fan of Greta Van Fleet.

https://youtu.be/TrIzgD9i7hU

Hey, Ron! (Trip to McD's)

Hey, Ron!
Remember that time you took me home to meet your parents, but you'd failed to tell them when we would be arriving and we showed up just as they were about to sit down to a nice dinner they'd made, complete with wine?
You said, "Boy, that looks good! I'm kind of hungry."
And I looked at the two plates on the table and said, "I think we are interrupting their dinner." and you said, "No, it's ok."
Your parents insisted that we eat their dinner. I was so embarrassed, and nervous. They seemed so nice and generous. [That opinion has never wavered]
After dinner we borrowed their car so you could drive around and show me your hometown. As we passed McDonald's, you hit the breaks and said, "Are you thirsty? I'm thirsty. I'm going to get a drink!" It seemed like an odd thing, to suddenly be super thirsty. To be honest, I wondered if you were an undiagnosed diabetic, or something. You pulled up to the drive-thru, ordered a drink, pulled up to the window, paid and got your drink, and drove away.
Later that evening you confessed that you'd stopped because you saw your old girlfriend was working, and you wanted her to see you out with your new girlfriend. I laughed and laughed.
"My god, that's so... petty!"
"I guess so."
"Really, that's so passive-aggressive!"
"You think she was jealous?"
"Oh, definitely. I'm pretty hot."

[27 years later the two of you would get married in a quiet ceremony atop scenic Dorsey's Knob, but we didn't know that then. This was a story we would chuckle about often, over the years, and any time we drove past that McDonald's I'd ask, "Do you need to get a drink?"]

Hey, Ron! Harrison Got his License

Hey, Ron!
Harrison learned to drive and got his license. I taught him myself and gave him lots of practice. He even aced the parallel parking part!
I have to admit the best part of spending all that time alone in the van together was the long, philosophical discussions about life, the Universe... Everything.
I have already lost my gym buddy, since he can drive himself there, now. I will be sad to lose my deep thought thinker when he gets a car of his own.

Hey, Ron! - A New Separate Blog within a Blog

On April 25, 2016 Ron Staubly unexpectedly passed away. He left behind 5 kids, a set of parents that loved him more than anything, a wife and an ex-wife. He left behind friends and co-workers. He left with so much of his story untold and unwritten. We are nothing but our memories, in the end. This blog-within-a-blog will try to record these memories as they come to me. They will also help fill in what he's missing. Due to the nature of the human mind, these will not be in order, chronological or otherwise.

April 25, 2016
Harrison sobbing in the car, "I wanted him to come to my concert. I'm playing a Led Zeppelin song and I didn't even tell him because he loves Led Zeppelin and I wanted it to be a surprise."

April 27, 2016
I bought clothes for Harrison, for the funeral. We went to Target and he tried them on and liked what he saw in the mirror. Then he asked if he needed a tie. I said, "Valgardr has ties; you can borrow one from him."
He was quiet for a moment and tears started falling down his cheeks and he said, "I don't know know how to tie a tie." His breath caught and he continued, "I don't know how to do a lot of things."

In the car on the ride home, Harrison looked out the window and said, "He was going to teach me to drive this summer. I know other people can teach me, but it's sad knowing he never will. He'd probably always looked forward to that, when I was little and growing up."

I once asked Ron (when he was about 30) what he saw his life like at 50.
"Pfff! I won't make 50!"
"Why the hell not?!"
"I don't know. I just always felt like that. You know?"
"No! I'm going to be 50! I'm going to be a hundred and two! Why can't you see past 50?"
"I don't know."

He died when he was 49.

I never stopped loving him. I never even tried to stop loving him. I just accepted that he was happier away from me/ us all the time. Over the past couple years during the divorce, I'd think of an inside joke, or remember something funny that happened, and I'd text him and say, "Remember the time we...?" and he would always text back, "Please keep all of our correspondence strictly about the children."
I thought, in time, he'd come around and we'd be able to chat about the old days again. So much of our lives are tangled in each other stories. Now that can never happen, and I carry these stories alone.
Kristy is his widow. There is no name for me, the Not-Widow. There is no place for me to grieve.

Crossing the Threshold for Passion

In a viral video Bryce Dudal spotted a baby grand piano in the living room of a home to which he was delivering pizza. He asked "Is that a baby grand piano? Can I play it?"
The resulting home video made him famous.
Bryce Dudal is also a baseball player, and is going to college on a baseball scholarship. I'm sure if he'd delivered a pizza to the same home and instead of a baby grand piano, Hall of Fame Pitcher Randy Johnson was sitting in the living room, he would have said, "Is that Randy Johnson? Can I meet him?"
Piano and baseball are his passions.
When delivering pizza, one gets a peek into the personal lives and homes of all kinds of folks. Usually, no matter what's on the other side of that door, one is content to smile politely, collect a tip, and be on their way. Every now and then, however, something is on the other side of that door that would make you cross the threshold and enter a private home to get a closer look.
I posed that question to my kids; What would make you cross the threshold?
For most folks, even if you enjoyed playing the piano, odds are if you spotted one in a house, you'd likely think "Cool piano" and be on your way. You wouldn't ask to enter their home and touch their personal property. Bryce Dudal had a passion for playing, a passion for performing, and he crossed that threshold for the opportunity.
A baby grand piano would barely register with me. Same with a baseball player. What would get me across that threshold? I'm not sure. A laboring woman. An American Mastiff puppy. I want to think about it more.

So today I want you to ask yourself, "What's on the other side of that door?"
What are you passionate about, that you'd swallow pride, gather courage and ask, "Hey, can I come in and see that?"

Your Kid Can't Play with My Kid Unless They've Had These Vaccinations

This is taken from a little (maybe a lot) rambly discussion I had with someone on facebook this morning.
They had posted something from a "real scientist" about how the anti-vaccine movement was "killing kids", and by not vaccinating, they are "just begging for once-deadly diseases in the US to make a big comeback". Vaccines are safe, effective, and readily available, so why even take the risk of getting the disease?

When people challenge my vaccine stance, using their own logic, I ask them about smallpox, rabies, and TB. There's an anti-vaccine movement in the US, for you.
"If everyone stops getting vaccines, we run the risk of once-deadly diseases returning" they tell us.
Ok, if vaccines are so safe and effective, why would we *ever* stop getting these (or any) vaccines?
TB is the most deadly infection in the world.
So why aren't we giving those shots to kids today? There's no way we have herd immunity to it, and TB is highly contagious.
Because TB no longer exist in the US? Well, wouldn't international travel risk it being brought in, the way Disney measles and Amish measles were? We should all still safeguard against the most deadly infection in the world, right?
Besides-
A total of 9,582 TB cases were reported in the United States in 2013.
There were 536 US deaths from TB in 2011, the most recent year for which these data are available.
Compare that to the average of 100 cases of measles in the US, with zero deaths.
Both diseases are highly contagious. Why are you so afraid of measles, but not of TB?
I repeat, TB is the most deadly infection in the world. 9 million cases a year, 1.5 million deaths, yet the entire US is an anti-vaccine movement against TB.
The US does not routinely vaccinate, and has never routinely vaccinated, against TB.

The US stopped vaccination against smallpox. Why? Even if it is eliminated from the planet (which it is not), why stop vaccination? Aren't we afraid that by not vaccinating against these diseases we risk losing our herd immunity if it ever comes back? I want my herd immunity!

Rabies. Diagnosis of rabies is almost always a death sentence. It can be easily contracted from the playful nip of an infected puppy, the fearful bite of a stray kitten, the painless bite from a bat that enters through a breezy open window... By the time symptoms present themselves, it's too late to help you.
Vaccines are so safe and effective, why don't we routinely vaccinate against rabies? If your child is not vaccinated against rabies and shares a sippy cup with my child, my child could get sick. Deathly sick. Why risk it?
Why risk almost certain death, when a safe, effective vaccine exists and is readily available? Because your children are never going to be exposed to dogs or cats, sippy cups, or sleep with the windows open, or go camping?

The US has been anti-vaccine in three very deadly, highly contagious diseases, yet we are not walking around constantly fearful of these diseases, and we are not dropping over dead from these diseases. Why not? Because the propaganda has not told us to be fearful of these diseases, and to get vaccinated against them for the Greater Good and Herd Immunity.

Finally Got My Parenting Report Card Back.

I know you're mad. I honestly tried to piece together the best I could with what I had. What I had inside, what your dad provided, what support I could get from friends and family. No one gets perfect. To me, you deserved perfect, so I tried to give you the best things that would make you smart and independent. I tried to give you tools to eat from the earth, and not junk. To love all kinds of music. To love to wear secondhand clothes, and not get caught up on material things. I tried to teach you to love simplicity, and not need fancy and glittery. To love all types of people. I let you guys dye your hair blue, when other parents freaked out. I taught you manners, so you could walk into any room and know that you belong there. I taught you that you are worth it. You are worth it. You were always worth it. When others told me you weren't, I insisted that you were.

-The most sick thing that you ever did is made us believe that everything we went through was normal. I've lived and stayed with so many other people, I think it's safe to say it was not normal. I'm not okay.-

I don't know anyone who had "normal". When you start talking to them, it starts to come out. Their dad was gay, or an alcoholic, or they were on welfare, or they kept moving to avoid the police, or their mother committed suicide, or their mother wasn't really their mother...
Humans of New York shows us that, too. Normal people walking around, but they all carry this story, of how things weren't normal. Some people have horrible pasts to overcome.

-But even through all that shit, they still managed to give their children the best childhood they could. You did amazing things as a parent and you tried your best, but you would purposely make us feel like shit. You had so much built up anger that you didn't know what to do with it.-

I had my kids and thought as long as I didn't make the mistakes my mom had made, it would be ok. I thought, since I had child development training, and early childhood education, that I could do ok. I read books, and took classes.
And I didn't make the mistakes my mom made. I made all new ones.
But when you're in it, and there's no way out, and everyone around you has different ideas of what needs done to your kids to make them behave, you start to lose your bearings.
But I always got up. Wyle E Coyote. Bill Clinton. Oprah. The little acorn dude in Ice Age. Lady Gaga. Cher. You get back up. You try again. And again.

-You can't hold things that toddlers did against the adults they have become. You should have not had kids if you still had all these issues.-

But you see, you don't even know you still have the issues, lol. You find out five and ten years in. You don't know how you will feel about things, even if you think you do. I always knew if I had a son I'd keep his hair short. I always said that. Til I got a son. And he wanted long hair. Lots of people criticized my parenting then, but I didn't care. If my son wanted long hair, so what?
It's a million little decisions like that every day, with the world- your family, friends, tv, movies, commercials, all telling you what you should do, and it's all different.
Every day, a million choices, a million decisions. When to push, when to let them fall, when to do it yourself, when to make them learn it. Do you push your kids to brush their teeth, or let them get meth mouth?
And you do it on lack of sleep, lack of money, lack of support, lack of love, because the kids will hate you. God, they will hate you, no matter what. They will hate you when you pour your blood out and you are sick, and in the hospital, they will hate you because they had to miss pokemon. If I could do it over, I'd do lots of things differently. But we don't get to do it over. We have to live with the mistakes. That's the curse.

"You know, come to think of it. You really don't have to be a good parent, so long as you teach your kids forgiveness."  ~Rich Wellner

Inertia

Hey. You know that moment when you know you should work out... And then you don't. And 5 seconds later you know you *won't*?
You've had that, right?
Ok, so what do you say to yourself in those 5 seconds to make it a yes?
I am really struggling with a lot of things right now (exercise being an important one) and I just stay in my fat little cozy comfort zone.
What am I waiting for? What am I scared of? Looking good? Being healthy?
Well... Not being able to breathe is a big one. Being too hot or too cold, too. Getting a headache. Peeing my pants....
All of these are fixable though.
I need to go to the grocery store. I don't like it but I need my bp medication. And I'm looking forward to buying mushrooms.
I've also been putting off going to Sam's club for a long time. Last time I went was July. I'm slowly running out of everything. One thing is that ginormous container they sell of parmesan cheese. I love parmesan cheese. Yes, I am aware they sell parmesan cheese at the regular grocery store but if I buy it there, I may never get to Sam's to get the rest of the stuff I need.

I have thought about it. I have realized the problems, and what I particularly dread. I imagine myself getting through those moments successfully. Over and over. I try to pump myself up. But then I decide I can live without parmesan cheese. And I don't go.
I say "Wouldn't it be nice to have parmesan cheese?". But it's not enough to make me go.

I also need to have my daughter's junk car pulled out of here.
But I don't call.
I have a list of 20 reasons why.
I almost typed "I'm tired of being paralyzed", but it's not true. I'm not tired of it. Or I would do something about it.

It's not laziness. Laziness doesn't come with a hammering heart and sweaty hands, and bowels that liquify at the thought of making a phone call to a towing company.
...

I just called. They can tow it today sometime.

So. Talking about it helped.

Now the gym.

...Or not.

One thing at a time.

Minimalism vs My Superpower

"You'll never really maximize your space until you get the right relationship with your stuff, which takes some soul-searching work."

"Nothing new. Nothing that pees." - Valgardr

Look around at all your stuff. How many of those items would you buy again?
... or would you really rather just have the money?

Look around at all the stuff you hang on to but don't use, and you don't even love it. Isn't it selfish to keep all these items you don't even use, when someone else could be making use of them?

Declutter and let go of the person you imagined you'd be with these unused items.

Beaded curtains and a fondue pot won't make a bunch of hippie friends show up to play acoustic guitar on your back porch.

All these unused craft supplies didn't magically turn you into an artist.

Those long skirts and birks don't make you any more likely to hang out at a coffee shop discussing literature.

Bookshelves full of DIY and home improvement projects don't add value to your house if you never actually do the projects.

Let go of the people you'd hoped to become. Work on being the person you *are*, and being the best you.

I liked being able to "save the day".
Do you have an extra sleeping bag/ tent/ lantern/ cooler?

Do you have orange knee-hi socks? I'm going as Velma for Halloween.

Do you have an extra cat carrier?

Do you have a wok/ popcorn popper/ waffle iron?

Do you have *every novelty cake pan Wilton ever made* because my kid wants a *insert theme* birthday party.

Do have extra snowpants/ ice skates/ roller skates/ skis/ tennis racket/ karate sparring gear?

Do you have an extra floor lamp/ rug/ recliner/ comforter?

I am a superhero and my superpower is always having the very item you need. I have 3,000 sq ft of house plus two sheds *full* of stuff just waiting to be borrowed by a kid or friend.
 I'm retiring. They can get it themselves, or do without.

I have 2 dozen pool towels. We don't even go to the pool!
One pool towel per person might do.
I'm just now realizing I don't need to bring enough extra towels so that everyone at the party who forgot their towel has a towel.

Literally hundreds of movies I will never watch again. 

"But what if someone needs to borrow Rabbit Proof Fence?"

Textbooks. Let's face it. My kids are quasi-morons and will never study molecular biology.

"But what if? What if they pick up this book and it sparks something in their brain and they go on to cure cancer?!"

I'm realizing my kids are far, far more likely to *get* cancer than to cure it, lol.

We are already doing what we'd be doing. Readers read. Writers write. Bakers bake. Shoppers shop. We do what we would be doing. We keep the rest around for guilt.

If you aren't ready for the bandaid method, I've found it helps to box it all up and let it 'season' a few months. If you find you really do need it, go get it. But if after a year (or whatever "dooms day" date you write on the box), you've barely thought about the contents, get rid of it. It's so freeing.