Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Chute Me Now

When I first heard about parachuting pills, the first thing I thought of was...
Wait- you know what parachuting is, right?
Anyone who spends any time around teens has at least heard about this practice.
(For those of you who are not familiar with the practice, please go here.)

When a person 'parachutes' a pill, they take a pill, and crush it up. They scrape the powder into the center of a square of toilet paper, wad it into a little package, and then they swallow it.
Yes! Swallow toilet paper.
Have you ever washed your hands and for whatever reason tried to dry them on toilet paper?
Imagine that experience inside your mouth!
I am sure it sticks to the inside of their mouths, and rolls up, and makes crumbs.
Parachuting is a way to take pills that side-steps that whole "timed release" factor of drugs, thereby eliminating the excruciating period between swallowing the pill and the time that elapses before it takes effect. Some people think that getting all 24 hours' worth of their medication in 20 minutes is a desirable thing, regardless of their higher risk of organ failure and/ or death.

For the record, I think it's dangerous and should not be attempted. What is my motto?
Stupid Hurts.

However, if there is money to be made off other people's stupidity, point me at them.
I introduce to you...
Flavored Toilet Paper.

Of course, the first flavor will be mint, because most everyone wants minty fresh breath, and if used in the traditional way, mint-flavored bathroom tissue would be very refreshing ... much like sledding down a polar ice cap on your naked parts. 'Curiously Strong', indeed.

Some people dislike mint, and prefer cinnamon. Here is where my idea gets interesting. Parachute a pill with cinnamon, and it's like a redhot. Used traditionally, it would produce a warm tingle.

The flavors we introduce after that are all pizzazz-
Habanero, for eye-watering fun.
Bacon, because bacon is big, right now. ThinkGeek even has a bacon section.
Dark Chocolate, because it has antioxidants.
Sea Salt & Vinegar Potato Chip flavor... used traditionally, you'll have that just-douched scent all day long!

I hope eventually Bertie Bott will pick it up, and we can offer
Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Bathroom Squares
.... and we do mean every flavor!