Friday, August 28, 2009

The Costs Of Being Computer Stupid

I visited a new blog recently and read

"xkcd has a new comic up regarding tech support."
So I checked it out, and loved it. When I attempted to print it for folks even more computer-stupid than I, I ran into trouble. I had the choice of two printers with the exact same name. I chose one, and was told to insert a disc of some-sort, something about a driver?
(mayday, mayday!)
So I chose the other one. And was told that the printer I chose wasn't online, or in the network, and to choose a different one.
I tried saving the comic in a different program, and print from there, but instead of printing it, it was saved as a "cute pdf file".
Awww! Well, yes, it's adorable. How the hell do I change it again?
I changed the settings and (finally) printed the flow chart... over several sheets, in landscape, an orientation to which I have never set my printer!
I was so frustrated, and yet laughing so hard at the irony of having so much trouble printing out a flow chart that is basically making fun of computer-stupid people, that I gave up.
(You actually think I was going to ask for help printing that? My poor ego could fit in my contact lens case, at that point!)

Another thing I read in this blog was:
"If you don't want to be on the lower end of the learning curve make sure you download Google Chrome. I've found that it leaves both Mozilla Firefox and Internet Explorer dead in the water."
Well, I sure as hell don't want to be on the lower end of the curve, so I clicked the link and began downloading Google Chrome (wetf that is), blindly agreeing to terms and services and privacy policies I didn't even pretend to read.
Normally, I won't sign a school field trip permission form without scrutinizing it.
But I'm amazed how, because of my computer-stupidity, I will bow to peer (using the term loosely, here) pressure.
I rarely question the instructions "they" give. I just nod my head, and left and right click as they tell me. Fortunately, my collective "they" does not appear to have an evil streak that gets acted upon. And I've found that when I've downloaded programs and files in the past that the tools are helpful and easy to use.

But if "they" ever wanted to really mess with me, it would be too easy.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

No Pain, No.... Pain.

I've always said I only run if I'm chasing the ice cream man....

Or if I was being chased by zombies...

Or if I was guaranteed to find a baby, like Claire did in Grand Canyon.

I said I would take up jogging the day I saw a runner smiling.

Because, the runners I've seen, they all make the same face.

I've seen this face on laboring women,

and people being mauled by velociraptors.

Where does this get fun?

This guy is making that face and he even has a medal!

To tell you true, I'm sure if I was ever confronted by this:

I would probably look like this:

Really, what is this guy's excuse?
Look behind him! NO zombies!!

Monday, August 24, 2009

Random Pics on My Camera

Phoebe, who has made looking pitiful into an art form. Ever the princess, she cries when they apply flea treatment between her shoulder blades.

My sister's car. NOT what it might look like!
Matt takes the dog out for an ice cream cone at McDonald's, and drives home while holding the cone for the dog to lick enthusiastically. My sister is then expected to live with the drips, or clean them herself.
Hey, he does the hard part- he eats the cone that is leftover, because the dog only likes the ice cream part of the ice cream cone.

Pimp My Pick-Up. This truck was spotted at The Flying J. You have to back up to really appreciate this vehicle.

Yeah. Wow.

Wide open spaces. In our family, we call these "Simpsons Clouds".

Rainbow after the storm.

I had this brush before I had kids. It was nice, and I used it daily. Then one day it got borrowed. Then borrowed and broken. (Then duct taped.) Even then I used it daily. One day it disappeared and I had to buy a new brush. Yesterday Tess and Harris were fighting in the van, throwing things at each other, and this was one of them. Beyond broken, please note the sad, lonely bristle that is left of my brush.

Taken at Nettie's house, Fairmont WV

Sunset/ moonrise along I-79. Fairmont, WV

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Visit to My Sister's

First, let's start out with my luxury accommodations:

How many times have I woken up in the night wishing I could bowflex? Well, now I can!

Or play video games....

Or watch movies...

Living room wall 'before'. It was the great white wall.

Beginning to roll paint on...

Smooshing with drop cloth

Palm tree decor put in place and close-up of wall texture..

Finished wall.

Phoebe and Piper (Piper is lump on the left).

There she is!!

Standing in front of the finished project.

Went out to a mexican place. We consulted the calender to see when our table would be ready. Naw, I'm kidding. We got a table right away.

And to complete the evening... we drank this and watched WipeOut and Jackass Two.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The Thump Heard 'Round The World

Yesterday I got the Blues....

My husband woke me up extra early, so he could fit in a fight before work
Then he skipped out on me just as I was about to go berserk.

Well, my phone is held together with blue duct tape

And just when I thought it couldn't get worse....
The crockpot of chili dumped out in the van...

"Pool Quilt's been hit! Repeat, Pool Quilt is down!"

And Paige spilled yogurt in my purse!

Continuing the fight, trying not to cry into my duct tape phone
I decide to buy more chili stuff on the way home.
Cranberry juice and vodka will help me relax.
Then donuts jump into the cart, next to the snacks.

I know I really shouldn't.
They are the one food I try not to touch.
I decide I will buy them and put them in the freezer.
Then I turn around and run smack into... her.

You know her, the Good Mom?
The one who is naturally buff because she enjoys gardening?
The one made out of spandex, so you could hear her skin snapping back into place two minutes after the birth?
The one who wore her regular clothes (a miniskirt!) to her childbirth class reunion?
The locavore, the one who grinds her own grains, and sprouts almonds in the fridge, and always brings healthy salad to potlucks?
And then still finds time to volunteer in her community?
Yeah, Her.

I have a cart full of shit, thinking about how soon I can get home and blame it on the Goose, and there she is, all organic baby greens and stonyfield farms.

My bottom lip begins to quiver, and I do a 180.
My path takes me again past the donuts.
Blinking back the tears, I load two more boxes into my cart.
My duct tape cell phone rings.
It's Sadie's friend, the one who always needs a favor.
I let it go to voicemail and make my way to the register.

At the register, I dig out my yogurt-coated debit card, and have to wipe it off on my shorts so it will swipe right and not gunk up the device.

In the parking lot, the earth shakes from the thump heard 'round the world, as I fall off the wagon in a big way.
I throw away one empty donut box while still in the parking lot, and start on another.

It turns out the bagger, Grrrrant, is a complete idiot.
He has loaded the jug of cranberry juice into the bag on top of the artisan bread and ripe slicing tomatoes!
I get home and have a grocery bag full of... fucking bruschetta, to go with the chili all over the inside of the van.
I decide to leave the van door open, for the cats to clean up the chili.

When I get inside, the kids are excited to see that there are enough donuts left in the box for all four of them to have one.

Bad Poetry Day- TODAY!

Please submit poetry of your own writing.
I want really bad poetry.
I'm talking, if-I-was-a-tree bad.
Poetry cannot begin with "roses are red, violets are blue", and there can be no references to Nantucket in your poem.
Rhyming is optional, but note that most really bad poetry rhymes in a very awkward way.

Post it with your name (in the comments section, or privately), so we can give credit where credit is due.

Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz said...

Oh freddled gruntbuggly,
Thy micturations are to me
As plurdled gabbleblotchits
On a lurgid bee
That mordiously hath bitled out
Its earted jurtles
Into a rancid festering
Now the jurpling slayjid agrocurstles
Are slurping hagrilly up the axlegrurts
And living glupules frart and slipulate
Like jowling meated liverslime
Groop, I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes
And hooptiously drangle me
With crinkly bindlewurdles
Or else I shall rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon
See if I don't

Tiffany Staggs submits...

Wait, KFC stay in my path of fate
Am I too late.... Loving, craving you still.
I cant Hate that fat guy who waits longer in line than me
The manager opens the gate to that fried goodness at eight
And lets me in.
Maybe its wrong to wait
On food that doesn't agree with your digestive tract.
Im blinded by a food that's so far outa my league.


Jonathan Lister added...

Fat guys eat so many oranges
That they bang their guts on the doorhinges

That is really really bad to me. I am seriously ashamed of that.

(as you should be! great job!- Lis)

Arden submitted:

If trees could talk to me, oh the things they would say
like oh why do you let people treat me this way?
so I say these trees are our friends they give us shade,
but look at all the things they help make
tables and chairs and legs that are fake,
and who really cares if just one tree goes missing?
They help to make sticks so we can go fishing,
but what happens when all the trees go away?
Then the world will began to fade,
so I hope the trees never talk to me
because I like chairs to sit on while I drink my coffee.

Tiffany Staggs- one more:

That light
I like pie
in the sky
full of guys
in a pie tin
filled with men and a hen
to give the men company
to the light in the sky filled with guys
that i buy in hopes that the light
will shine bright one special guy
(bonus= smell like pie)

Monday, August 17, 2009

Peer Pressure

C'mon, Dylan!

You can do it!

Watch, Arden can go off the diving board!

Tessa goes right off. You can, too!

Look, Harrison does it! Are you sure you don't want to try?

You can do it like Paige. Just jump in!

Even Sydney does it! Look! It's not hard. You can do it!!

Watch Tucker. He was jumping off at your age!

(five years from now, overheard in Dylan's kitchen ...)

"Dylan!! What the hell were you thinking?! Why would you do something like that?!"

"Well, everyone else was doing it."

"How ridiculous! If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?!"

Friday, August 14, 2009

When You Don't Have Cable

Found on my camera:
Harrison apparently made this video of the girls, and their exciting new eco-friendly cellphones.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

It's Not How Old You ARE... It's How Old You LOOK

Angel 241 yrs, Buffy 17 yrs

Edward 104 yrs, Bella 17 yrs

Jesse Tuck 104 yrs, Winnie Foster 15 yrs (almost 11 yrs in the book)

Anne Rice's Claudia 71 yrs (Claudia was actually old enough to be a grandmother when she got her 'mother', Madeleine, yet for decades her fathers treated her like she was six and even gave her dolls as gifts, because she had the body of a six year old!)

Bill 140 yrs, Sookie 25 yrs

Wrath 325 yrs, Beth 25 yrs (interestingly, Wrath was mated to Marissa for 300 years, when he fell in love with Beth, but since the marriage was never consummated, they got an annulment)

The trailer for the upcoming Twilight movie, New Moon, reveals a very buff Taylor Lautner (who plays Jacob Black).
My friend (who shall remain nameless, though some call her 'Mom') thought he was hot.
She quickly looked up Lautner's age and was horrified to learn the toned Taylor (who reportedly packed on 30 lbs of muscle for the role) was only 17 years old.
She exclaimed, "This goes past being a cougar! This is like, pedophile!"

No, no, no!
Judging by reviews, parental approval, book sales and movie ticket sales, it's pedophilia only if my friend looks 44.*
If she had been turned into a vampire, or drank magical spring water that caused her body to still look 17, she would be good to go.

* technically, it's illegal in only 11 states, and not considered pedophilia or a crime in any way in the other 39, even without the benefit of vampirism.

Monday, August 10, 2009

"911, What Is Your Emergency?"

This is how 911 Operators answer a call.
It tells the caller that this number is for emergencies, and you'd better be having one.

I taught my kids early on to not interrupt me when I was talking to someone else by stopping my conversation and saying to the child, "What is your emergency?"
If they replied, "I don't have one." then I could say, "Well then you need to wait, and not interrupt me."

My friend Melinda was over visiting with her kids today, and we had a fun conversation about all the different annoying ways our kids try to get our attention to ask inane questions such as, "Mommy? Mommy? Mommy! MOMMY!! How many cheese sticks do you think I've eaten in my lifetime?"

My kids started making fun of me for my '911 Operator' response, but I stood by it as a way to weed out the stupid reasons kids interrupt adults.

After Melinda and her kids left, I was sitting in the kitchen talking to the girls about a whole lot of nothing.
Harrison came upstairs and said,
"Mommy, if I interrupt you right now and you say 'what is your emergency?' I can say 'Tessa's bleeding all over the place!' That's a good emergency, right?"

Kid #3: "Maybe. Bleeding's not enough. Is she bleeding from the eyes? Mommy always said it's not an emergency unless you are bleeding from the eyes."

Kid #1: "Bleeding from the ear, too. That's a skull fracture."

Me: "What happened?"

Harrison: "She was spinning around and fell on the corner of the table, the one with Paige's laptop."

Kid #2: "My laptop?! Is it okay?"

Harrison: "Don't you care about the blood?"

Kid #2: "Is there blood on my laptop?!"

Me: "Did she hit her head?"

Harrison: "Yes, and it's bleeding!"

Me: "Is Tessa awake? Did she stay awake after she hit her head?"

Harrison: "Yes, she's awake right now. And bleeding!"

Me: "Her face, or her head?"

Harrison: "Her hair. Her head is bleeding!"

Me: "Tell her to come here, please."

Harrison: "TESS!! MOMMY WANTS YOU!!"

Me: "Thank you, Harrison. I'll need my camera... and probably the glue."

Kid #1: (to Tess, as she hands me the camera) "Stupid hurts."