My husband woke me up extra early, so he could fit in a fight before work
Then he skipped out on me just as I was about to go berserk.
Well, my phone is held together with blue duct tape
And just when I thought it couldn't get worse....
The crockpot of chili dumped out in the van...
"Pool Quilt's been hit! Repeat, Pool Quilt is down!"
And Paige spilled yogurt in my purse!
Continuing the fight, trying not to cry into my duct tape phone
I decide to buy more chili stuff on the way home.
Cranberry juice and vodka will help me relax.
Then donuts jump into the cart, next to the snacks.
I know I really shouldn't.
They are the one food I try not to touch.
I decide I will buy them and put them in the freezer.
Then I turn around and run smack into... her.
You know her, the Good Mom?
The one who is naturally buff because she enjoys gardening?
The one made out of spandex, so you could hear her skin snapping back into place two minutes after the birth?
The one who wore her regular clothes (a miniskirt!) to her childbirth class reunion?
The locavore, the one who grinds her own grains, and sprouts almonds in the fridge, and always brings healthy salad to potlucks?
And then still finds time to volunteer in her community?
Yeah, Her.
I have a cart full of shit, thinking about how soon I can get home and blame it on the Goose, and there she is, all organic baby greens and stonyfield farms.
My bottom lip begins to quiver, and I do a 180.
My path takes me again past the donuts.
Blinking back the tears, I load two more boxes into my cart.
My duct tape cell phone rings.
It's Sadie's friend, the one who always needs a favor.
I let it go to voicemail and make my way to the register.
At the register, I dig out my yogurt-coated debit card, and have to wipe it off on my shorts so it will swipe right and not gunk up the device.
In the parking lot, the earth shakes from the thump heard 'round the world, as I fall off the wagon in a big way.
I throw away one empty donut box while still in the parking lot, and start on another.
It turns out the bagger, Grrrrant, is a complete idiot.
He has loaded the jug of cranberry juice into the bag on top of the artisan bread and ripe slicing tomatoes!
I get home and have a grocery bag full of... fucking bruschetta, to go with the chili all over the inside of the van.
I decide to leave the van door open, for the cats to clean up the chili.
When I get inside, the kids are excited to see that there are enough donuts left in the box for all four of them to have one.
Posts
Take the bread and tomatoes back, exchange them for undamaged goods! If you can't go this evening, call the store and let them know you'll be in tomorrow to take care of it. I have done this before with no problem.
ReplyDeleteSupermom she may be, but Lisa she is not. I love Lisa...not that skinny bitch.
Donuts ROCK (though blech on those packaged donut wannabes...I want the REAL thing! lol).
And I think the blue duct tape adds character to your phone!
Go drink a few shots and it will all be ok. Repeat as needed.
The doctor is out! :D
Awwww!!
ReplyDeleteWell, I ate the bread and tomatoes (sheepish grin), to wash down (push through?) the donuts, haha!
The shots definitely helped.
And the tape looks like a wad of gum on my phone, but Paige said she'll do a better job later.
I love you, too!
The stars must be misaligned....I'm having one of those same days today. I wish I could crawl under a rock with your bottle of Vodka and it's not even 12:30 yet.
ReplyDeleteSilly woman. To many of us, you are her.
ReplyDeleteI didn't mean to leave that last one anonymously!
ReplyDelete