Wednesday, August 19, 2015

So Someome Told You to Eat a Cheeseburger?

The only time I'm ever represented in womens' magazines is as a "before" picture.
So I stopped reading them.
At the end of every clickbait article are ads "lose belly fat by eating this one weird food", "doctors hate her", and "new skinny pill that works too well".
 Tabloids are constantly screaming "Celebrity beach bods! You won't believe who has let themselves go!" and "new diet gets you bikini ready in 6 weeks!".
In the snack section of any store, I see Weight Watchers, Skinny Cow, fat-free this and that.
Every stoplight has a billboard advertising a local liposuction clinic, with before and after pics.
Every restaurant commercial on tv shows men, women, children, black, white, Asian, young, old... but never fat people. "When you're here, you're family. And everyone in our family is thin." No fast food ad features fat people. They would never want you to associate their food with getting/ being fat. If you believed their commercials, you'd think only thin people go to McDonald's.
Only thin people buy and drive cars, trucks, and motorcycles.
Only thin people book vacations and cruises.
So I turned my tv off.
The message is literally everywhere I look, from my morning cereal box, to weight loss clinic ads on the front of the phone book, to the radio ads offering free "get ready for summer!" trial gym memberships, to songs about "dimes, tens, hotties". Everywhere I look, every store I enter, every doctors office, every errand I run has some message that being fat is ugly, horrible, the worst you can be.
A thin woman recently complained that her sister-in-law tells her to "eat a cheeseburger", so that means thin women get picked on, too!
Two people, same age, education, and experience interview for a job, one is thin, the other is fat. The thin person gets hired, every time- unless there is something seriously wrong with them. When asked, hiring managers answer that fat people seem lazy, out of control, disorganized, and unable to control their bodies, so it's a safer bet to go with the thinner applicant.
I once entered a clothing store that was popular with teens, to buy someone a gift card. I browsed a couple racks on my way to the register. The exceptionally thin sales girl approached me not to ask if I was finding everything ok, but to tell me, "I'm sorry, we don't carry extended sizes at this time." I replied that it was ok, I was shopping for someone else. She said, "You might have better luck at Dress Barn. Some of their stuff is really cute!"
Dress Barn. Yes, maybe I should get out of your hip skinny store before anyone sees me, and go buy my clothes from a store that is named for the farm structure that houses cows, horses, and other large animals.

My guess is you probably said something about a cupcake you were about to eat going straight to your size 6 thighs. You were probably wearing short shorts, maybe a halter top, because you are within the magic size range that society "allows" to wear those type of cute clothes. (Society only allows us to wear capris, flowing blouses with lots of smocking, large floral prints, embroidery, and color-blocking, lest we find our well-meaning friends and family have signed us up for a What Not To Wear intervention.)
And that's why your SIL told you to eat a cheeseburger.

Unless you are in it, you really don't see it.

Friday, June 26, 2015

Today's SCOTUS Ruling on Gay Marriage

I'm seeing a lot of "christian outrage", and people in my newsfeed saying the Supreme Court ruling is a "sad day for christians", and a "sad day for christian marriage", and "evidence of the persecution of christians".
So... this ruling means that christians can no longer marry?
And already-married christians have to split up and get gay married now? Because the supreme court says?
They can no longer marry the person they love in the service/ house of worship they choose?
Instead, christian couples are being persecuted, forced apart, and allowed to only marry a person of the same sex?
If this is correct, I share your outrage.
No wonder christians are so upset by this ruling and feel it has everything to do with them.

Making gay marriage "a thing" doesn't make being gay "a thing". Being gay is already a thing. Denying gays to marry won't make gay go away. All they will do is live together, in sin, if you will, and remain unmarried. The way straight people would do if being married was no longer an option. Falling in love would still happen, being together would still happen, sex would still happen, being a family would still happen, and even nasty break-ups would still happen. Marriage doesn't cause or prevent any of those.
Perhaps since some christian people don't allow couples to have sex or live together before marriage, they assume subconsciously that denying gay people the right to marry will prevent them from having sex or living together. And that's almost the same as making the gay go away, right? Because according to most of the "love the sinner, hate the sin" bullshit on my facebook wall, it's ok to be gay, as long as you don't act on it and have gay sex. Gay people are supposed to pray urgently every day for the strength to resist gay sex, gay fantasies, and masturbating with gay thoughts. After a while, I bet Jesus (or Mary, if she's your style) would start looking pretty hot, if they were all you were permitted to think about when you got horny.
The real christian outrage with marriage equality, is they lose that long-enjoyed ability to discriminate against gays without looking like assholes to the rest of society.
Your sons, daughters, grandsons, granddaughters have been afraid to come out to you, having grown up hearing every little remark, every time you made that noise, that sound of disgust when someone gay was on tv, or someone in the small town you live in 'turned out' gay. They heard you clucking with the other hens your disapproval. They heard you grunt dismissively and call the paperboy a 'sissy' and 'little faggot' because you saw him doing something in your eyes that was not manly enough. They heard you preach about the 'end times' being near because gays were being tolerated. They listened at the church you took them to about how god doesn't make mistakes and he loves everyone, except how he hates homosexuals, and they will go straight to hell for their ungodly lust. (What is godly lust, by the way? Is that like a priest fetish?)
Your sons and daughters won't come out to you. They are afraid to. And you like it that way. 
What all this christian outrage against the marriage equality ruling really means is you are afraid a legally gay  couple will move in next door and there will nothing you can do about it, or your child might announce they are legally gay  and registered at Target.

Thursday, June 4, 2015

The Bridge

Teens use their mothers to have someone, something, constant to rail against. They do it because they know in their heart of hearts that you are a concrete wall of unconditional love.
 In their darkest times, their meanest times, their worst moods, love them anyway.
They are testing the sturdiness of the bridge they are about to use to go out into adulthood. They want to check it for cracks and flaws before all their weight, their heart, their trust, their world beliefs, their hopes and fears are dragged across it.
In these moments, love them anyway. Prove to them that the bridge is sound and trustworthy.
I have chanted "Love them anyway, love them anyway" while pacing, while refraining from choking them, while wanting to run away from home, while wanting to dish out exactly the treatment I've just received... instead I choose to "love them anyway".
It's hard, when they treat you like a thing, instead of a person with feelings. But we were always a thing, to them. An incubator, a milk delivery service, food maker, laundry washer, car driver, toy fixer, and so on. Their red, screaming faces didn't show love or even concern. They didn't care if you had the flu, or mastitis, or a broken foot, or a deadline at work.
   "Feed me, rock me, hold me, carry me, drive me, comfort me, save me, help me, nurse me back to health so that I may get on with the business of ignoring you."
We spend 20 years trying to convince them we are, too, human with feelings and needs and dreams of our own. They don't buy it.
Later on, if you are lucky, they look back across the life miles they've traveled and finally see you as you are. Human, and yes, flawed, but perfect for them. They see all the hell they put you through and they say "Oh, god, I was horrible! Horrible! But she loved me anyway."

So we brace ourselves, over and over, and show them we are strong enough to birth them into the world as babies, and birth them out into the world again as adults.

Is that all you've got? Well, that ain't hardly nothin'. Of course I'm going to love you anyway!
Put it on me. Yup. I'm strong enough. I've got you.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015


Lent is rapidly approaching (Feb 18- Apr 2), and a lot of you are wondering how you are going to give up the things you know you should give up this year. The idea of "40 Days to a Better You" sounds amazing, but you just don't have the time, or if we are being honest, the willpower.
That's where I come in! I'm going to be doing Lent this year, and if I may say so myself, I'm an excellent Lenter. As long as I'm giving up my stuff, it's no trouble for me to give up yours, as well. By contracting with me for all your Lenten needs, you can have your King Cake and eat it, too.

Giving up Sugar- $50
Giving up Red Meat- $40
Giving up Wine- $40
Giving up Liquor- $60
Giving up Chocolate- $50
Giving up Coffee- $50
Giving up Smoking- $50
Giving up Cursing/ Swearing- $50
Giving up a Sedentary Lifestyle- $60
Giving up Yelling at Children- $50
Giving up Road Rage- $40
Giving up TV- $60
Giving up Comic Books- $40
Giving up Texting While Driving- $40

This price includes all 40 Days of Lent. Go about your busy days with work and the kids, go ahead and enjoy that slice of pie, flip off that guy who is driving the speed limit in the passing lane, order that bacon cheeseburger, knowing your Lent obligations are covered.  I will fully and completely abstain from the food/ activity/ non-activity of your choice every day of Lent so you can arrive at Easter a cleaner, healthier, more enlightened you!

This offer ends midnight Feb 16th. Don't risk being stuck ordering fish at the Steak House. Join now!