Sometimes, after a long day of driving the kids all over three counties, I like to kick back and get sober.
Some of my hard-core readers may disapprove of my brief (yet frequent) bouts of sobriety, but if they feel that way, they've never mentioned it to me.
... Or maybe they did and I just didn't remember it the next day when my sobriety wore off.
Anyway, I get some pretty wacked ideas when I'm sober and I'd like to share three of them with you now.
#1: Butt Shorts for Superior Women
We've all seen these butt shorts, booty shorts (when I was younger we called them "hot pants") with words on the ass.
I thought that we needed Butt Shorts for women who know they are better than you.
I give you:
That's Stephanie's "haught" ass, in case you were wondering.
#2 Gran-Stamps- Granny Panties With Tramp Stamps Printed on Them
Those low-rise jeans are all the rage, but the thong underwear you're supposed to wear with them can be downright uncomfortable for most gals. And the larger you are, the less appealing wearing butt floss can be.
So we wear our comfortable underwear, and someone comes by and snaps a "Your Team!" pic and puts it on the internet.
"Hey!! Did you just take a picture of my butt?"
What's a girl to do?
Don't bag the briefs!
Introducing granny panties with some pizazz!
See how good Scarlett Johanssen's ass looks in these?
They are just as comfy as your old granny panties, because they are your old granny panties, but with a sexy new twist!
#3 Child Training System, w/ Remote
This next idea actually came from my friend Maggie, but I was the one who designed the actual product. This child training system is known as "Electric Underpants", not to be confused with the Austrian Punk band.
Take your child's- or husband's!- favorite underwear (I like these cool zombie ones from Etsy) and sew a pocket inside, remembering to create two holes for the Behavior Modification Stimulator Points to make continuous contact with the skin.
All that's left is to wait around for your child to annoy you, and based on the severity of the annoying behavior, you press the corresponding button. It works like a tv remote; you can flip through the intensity levels until you find one you like.
Here is what the information pamphlet states:
Today's units are perfectly safe - you can even test the shock level on yourself. They emit much more of a static tingle than an AC outlet jolt. Professional
dog trainerschild behavior therapists have used these collarsElectric Underpants for years, because they're the quickest and most reliable way to keep your dogchild safe and in control.
Even better than the safety and humanity of
shock collarsElectric Underpants is their effectiveness.
Within a couple weeks of training, your previously lawless
poochbrat will be brought to attendant heel - literally - through the wonders of the shock collarElectric Underpants.
Whether he's busy chasing squirrels, stealing your lunch, or gnawing on your loafers, the
shock collarElectric Underpants will immediately let him know he's done something wrong. The units work by training the dogkid to associate bad behaviors with a negative reinforcement. They allow you to correct unwanted behaviors from a distance, and require no physical intervention on your part.
Shocking collarsElectric Underpants deliver an unequivocal "no" that your dogkid won't confuse, like he can a 'look', or your tone of voice.
weatherurine-resistant transmitter activates when you send the correction signal. Your dogkid instantly associates his inappropriate behavior with the correction, and before long he'll very rarely need corrections from the shock collarElectric Underpants. Since he connects the shock with his action, and not the shock collarElectric Underpants, he'll soon avoid the behavior automatically, whether he's wearing the shock collarElectric Underpants, or not. Plus, the shock collarElectric Underpants remove the possibility of your intimidating or alienating your dogkid by having to constantly vocally berate him.
They are available in different weights, intensities, and functionalities to suit every need. Large or stubborn
dogskids may require a stronger model of shock collarElectric Underpants, or one that emits a longer shock than most.
Even if you have two or three
dogskids, you can train them simultaneously with a single shock collarElectric Underpants system that uses one remote but receivers on different frequencies. Our shock collarElectric Underpants system comes with easily replaceable batteries and a compact receiver that won't weigh your dogkid down. Always follow the instructions that come with your shock collarElectric Underpants to ensure safe, quick training.
dogkid with a system as effective as a shock collarElectric Underpants ensures that he'll be safe from tragedies such as traffic accidents and becoming lost. When your dogkid knows the rules, you don't have to worry.