Wednesday, January 27, 2010

A River Runs Through It

Ron: Look what I found! The brochure from my rafting trip.

Me: Yeah, I thought we weren't doing that.

Ron: You haven't given up on that, have you?

Me: Yeah, that whole conversation we had about 'how much does that moment suck, when you finally give up on that thing you really wanted?'... remember that?

Ron: Well, we still might... Look at this picture.

Me: Show that to the kids.

(Ron flips the brochure around and holds it up to the kids)

Arden: Yeah, I'm not doin' that.

Ron: It's not that much fun.

(room erupts into laughter)

Ron: I mean, it's not that scary!

Me: 'It's not that much fun!' Hahaha!

Sadie: Sign me right up!

Paige: How much does it cost?

Me: A thousand dollars a person.

Ron: Here's a picture of the raft.

Me: Show that to the kids.

(as he flips it around, the brochure's two-page photo falls into two pieces)

Me: It's the Titanic Raft.

Arden: I'm not getting on that.

Ron: It's a 15-person raft!

Arden: And I'll be the 16th person, waving goodbye!

Swept Off My Feet

Ron took the kids skiing today. So, with my "day off", I caught up on the laundry, baked cookies, loaded/ ran the dishwasher, and swept the kitchen floor.
While sweeping the floor, I felt a sharp pain in the sole of my foot. I assumed I stepped on a sharp crumb or lego piece. Whatever it was, it was in something slippery. I lifted my foot off the offending item, and saw nothing sharp on the floor beneath my foot, but saw I had definitely stepped in some dripped fruit syrup. I'd bought a bottle of organic cherry syrup, and of course the kids had gotten into it. I took a step, still focused on sweeping, and the pain came back. I looked at the bottom of my foot, and saw the cherry syrup staining my skin.
At first glance, it looked like blood- a lot of blood!
I limped over to a chair, with an old rag to wipe off my foot, so I wouldn't track syrup all over the kitchen, and also to see what was hurting my foot.
While I wiped off the cherry syrup, I looked down and noticed that they had dripped the syrup next to the table. In fact, there were syrup drips all over the floor.
I was so angry.
Number one, what a huge mess to leave for me!
And number two, that stuff's expensive!
I looked back at my foot and realized I'd been so distracted that I'd forgotten to wipe it off.
I wiped the syrup off and examined my foot closely. A moment later, I was surprised to see more cherry syrup on the sole of my foot, dripping onto the floor.

I tried applying direct pressure, but it hurt. There was definitely something in my foot.
With a little digging and a few deep breaths, I was able to extract a shard that I'm sure I saw used in the movie The Dark Crystal.
To spare you the bloody pics, I rinsed it off, and set it next to my rings, so you can see the size.
I still had to clean up the floor, and finish sweeping, but I did so wearing boots.

Monday, January 25, 2010


When my daughter Sadie was two years old, my sister came to visit and mused, "She looks like a little Drew Barrymore!"
I assumed it was the blonde hair and chubby cheeks, and dismissed it. Not long after that, a stranger at the mall approached and told us that Sadie looked like
"that cute little girl in the ET movie".

When we watched Stephen King's Cat's Eye,
people remarked how "the little girl with the cat" reminded them of our daughter.

Check-out girls, wait staff, people dining at nearby tables, all would make it a point to comment on our daughter's resemblance to "a little Drew Barrymore".

Sadie is grown, now, and half the time, people still approach her to ask her, "Has anyone ever told you that you look like Drew Barrymore?"

But that's not all!
Tune in next week, for Part 2, where the other half of the people ask Sadie,
"Has anyone ever told you that you look like Winona Ryder?"

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

More Shit My (and my friends') Kids Say

"Why do we worry so much about offending them? They're Christians. They have to put up with us and be nice to us, or they won't go to heaven. No, really! And the more they put up with, the more they get into heaven. The bible says so!"
(well, in that case, let's help them out!)

"Mommy, I wasn't going to hit her with the stick. I just wanted her to think I was going to hit her with the stick!"
(kinda like how you think i'm about to hit you with the stick? hey, where ya goin'?)

"Mommy, will you ever grow up?"
(oh, god, i hope not!)

"I didn't lie! I told you exactly what happened... but with a better ending."
(and when you're older, they'll call you a writer...)

"Now that everyone has cleared out, and there's enough room, I can play with these."
"No! It's two in the morning. They cleared out because they are all in bed- sleeping. Put the tap shoes away."
(tap shoes on the hardwood floor right above the guy who has to get up in four hours is not exactly the best way to win friends and influence people)

"I'm sorry I slapped you for throwing a fistful of glitter in my face!"
(some apologies might need a cooling off period, first)

"Mommy! I can't skip school to go skiing! What were you thinking?!"
(i even offered to write her a note!)

"Actually, this doesn't taste nearly as bad as it looks. What...? I meant it as a compliment!"
(hey, where are you taking my plate- I wasn't done!)

"I did not kick him! I just nudged him kinda hard with my foot!"
(oh, well, I'm not smacking you; I'm just putting my hand on you rather quickly)

"While we're waiting for Daddy to come jump the van, can we listen to the radio?"
(gee, how did the battery run dead to start with?)

"Look! My lips are bleeding from when I sneezed."
"Here, you need chapstick. You can have mine."
"I'll give it right back. Wait- Is this used? Because that would be gross."
(and giving me back a bloody chapstick isn't?)

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Shit My Kids Say

Comments, Conversations, and Random events around the house.

Sadie, putting together a difficult Tetris puzzle, laughing because Tool's "Schism" on the radio.

The kids waiting until after Sadie's job interview (for babysitting) before holding the 1st Annual Shaving Cream-O-Rama.

A random conversation:
"There was no toxicology report."

And another:
"You have 'cat molester' written all over your face!"
"I did not penetrate the cat."

"Everyone's going clubbing! I never get to go to the clubs!"
"You do! Book club... 4-H club... You go to lots of clubs!"

"I should have bought the donuts."
"Fatass! ... Hey, are we completely out of butter?"

"Coming through the vents, your music sounds like Reavers. It's creeping me out."
"Haha! It's Brokencyde!"

Thursday, January 14, 2010

New Years Resolutions 2010

It's that time of year, where I look around my life and swear to everybody's god that I'm going to make some changes.

#1 Mondays: Weights and Measures. Every Monday morning, I weigh myself, check my body fat percentage, and measure my waist, hips, thighs. I also check my blood pressure. These numbers are used as a way to determine how much self-loathing I am expected to inflict throughout the day.
Yeah, like Mondays didn't suck enough already?
All this documentation of my superfluous adipose tissue has given me volumes with which to compare myself now to where I was a year ago, two years ago, even five years ago. I started this process weighing in at a whopping 220 lbs (and yes, "whopping" must always precede the 220, in this case), and I have to admit the picture is looking brighter each year.
So I resolve to continue this degrading practice until I reach my goal weight of 125 lbs.

#2 Tuesdays: During the winter, I will have the house mostly to myself on Tuesdays, because it is Homeschooler Ski day. I would not attend Ski Days unless I could stay in the lodge, drinking hot cocoa fortified with vodka. So I will instead use this day to thoroughly clean my kitchen and prepare a real meal, one that actually resembles food, as opposed to crawling back into my heated bed and sinking into a book coma.
If I get invited to the movies (Discount Tuesdays!), I will at least wipe down the counters and sweep the floor, before marking my place and heading out!

#3 Wednesdays: At any given point, our bathroom looks like it is maintained by a cleaning service composed of 8 yr old boys. This is probably because it is Harrison's job to clean the bathroom. I can walk in at any time and find no toilet paper, no soap, no hand towel, not to mention the last two kids' worth of dirty clothes on the bathroom floor, being used as a make-shift bath mat. Hey, at least they stopped wiping their asses on the shower curtain!
So this year, I resolve to check the bathroom whenever someone calls to say they are coming over. All deals are off, however, for the dreaded pop-in.

#4 Thursdays: LOL. Thursday is when our homeschooling co-op, Learning Out Loud meets for lots of... uh... loud learning. The first Thursday of each month is Pizza Day, where we order pizza and make a salad. The other days are potluck. Most of those Potluck Thursdays, I'm up at 9am after four hours of sleep, shouting for the children to get up and get themselves ready. In my towel, I'm frantically flinging the pantry doors open, searching for something- anything- that could make a decent potluck dish. On any given Thursday, my pantry is a mish-mash of ingredients that never seem to go together. For example, I'll have a 5lb can of tuna, and a 2lb can of tomato soup.... or a family size can of cream of mushroom soup, and four jars of dill relish... a bag of egg noodles and a box of fish sticks... Rice Chex, and chili beans. Often, I end up making something new and inventive, something along the lines of Lime Curd Fettuccine casserole. With tater tots on top.
Kids will eat anything with tater tots on top.
So I resolve to plan ahead and put my new crockpot (with the locking lid!) to good use and bring real actual food to Potluck Thursdays: Chicken Stew, Chili and Cornbread, Italian Meatballs and other easily-recognizable dishes.

#5 Fridays: Fridays used to be my day off. No running on that day, just stay home and catch up on the laundry and gear-up for the weekend. Now Fridays are often my most busy days, because the kids put everything on Friday, since they know I have 'nothing' planned on that day. Parties, movies with friends, playdates, babysitting jobs, I run all over the state getting them to their activities on my 'free' day. I fill my gas tank two and three times a week!
So I resolve this year to gas up at the cheapest places possible and to always use my grocery reward points toward gas.

#6 Saturdays: Each week Ron makes a list as long as my leg of all the projects he wants to complete on Saturday. In order to accomplish all these things, he would have to get up at 4am, work for 86 hours straight, not stopping even once to eat or pee.
I've always imagined Saturdays as a day for sleeping in and staying in bed as long as possible. A coffee pot on my nightstand set to start brewing at noon would be a good thing. Breakfast in bed would be heaven.
I always try to convince Ron to give me one more hour of cuddle time, but he feels guilty staying in bed past 7am on a Saturday, "I'm burning daylight lying here with you!".
So this year I resolve to let go of my snuggling-til-noon Saturday fantasy, and let him get out there and be productive. I can still set a coffee pot up on the nightstand, for myself.

#7 Sundays: Sunday is the day I sit down with the calender and write in all the appointments for chiropractors, orthodontists, physical therapy, board meetings, parent meetings, planning meetings, and 4-H meetings. Sunday is also a big shopping day. All the groceries we've depleted need to be replenished, along with items needed for homeschooling, as well as cleaning supplies, and the other random stuff (tampons, index cards, Newman O's) the family texts me to bring home. One or more children are at friends' houses on this day and will need rides home before 9pm. This puts me home at 10pm or later (much later). By then, Ron is in bed because he has to get up early for work. He complains that he doesn't get to see much of me at all!
So this year I resolve to watch movies on my laptop (with headphones on, of course!) in bed at 10pm, so I can pretend to spend that time with Ron, and he doesn't feel so neglected.

#8 Just for today, I will stop sending a facebook message, a text, and a chat invite to the friend I am on the phone with.

#9 Just for today, I will take time to make a difference in the life of a poor, neglected child. I'll start with my own!

#10 Just for today, I will not sit at the kitchen table all day in my Mr Potato Head pants, on the internet. Instead, I will have the foresight to move the computer into my bedroom the night before.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Running with the Big Dogs (New Years Eve)

On New Years Eve, the teens took over the DJ duties and played some great dance tunes.
They were soon shocked to discover that the Moms not only enjoyed turning the kitchen into a dance party, but we actually knew the words to (and enthusiastically belted out) among others:

Ke$ha's "TiK ToK" (which, surprisingly, is a fantastic song to dance the Cha-Cha)

It was a great night to Just Dance

On behalf of the Big Dogs,