More Shit My (and my friends') Kids Say

"Why do we worry so much about offending them? They're Christians. They have to put up with us and be nice to us, or they won't go to heaven. No, really! And the more they put up with, the more they get into heaven. The bible says so!"

(well, in that case, let's help them out!)

"Mommy, I wasn't going to hit her with the stick. I just wanted her to think I was going to hit her with the stick!"

(kinda like how you think i'm about to hit you with the stick? hey, where ya goin'?)

"Mommy, will you ever grow up?"

(oh, god, i hope not!)

"I didn't lie! I told you exactly what happened... but with a better ending."

(and when you're older, they'll call you a writer...)

"Now that everyone has cleared out, and there's enough room, I can play with these."

"No! It's two in the morning. They cleared out because they are all in bed- sleeping. Put the tap shoes away."

(tap shoes on the hardwood floor right above the guy who has to get up in four hours is not exactly the best way to win friends and influence people)

"I'm sorry I slapped you for throwing a fistful of glitter in my face!"

(some apologies might need a cooling off period, first)

"Mommy! I can't skip school to go skiing! What were you thinking?!"

(i even offered to write her a note!)

"Actually, this doesn't taste nearly as bad as it looks. What...? I meant it as a compliment!"

(hey, where are you taking my plate- I wasn't done!)

"I did not kick him! I just nudged him kinda hard with my foot!"

(oh, well, I'm not smacking you; I'm just putting my hand on you rather quickly)

"While we're waiting for Daddy to come jump the van, can we listen to the radio?"

(gee, how did the battery run dead to start with?)

"Look! My lips are bleeding from when I sneezed."

"Here, you need chapstick. You can have mine."

"I'll give it right back. Wait- Is this used? Because that would be gross."

(and giving me back a bloody chapstick isn't?)