Finally Got My Parenting Report Card Back.

I know you're mad. I honestly tried to piece together the best I could with what I had. What I had inside, what your dad provided, what support I could get from friends and family. No one gets perfect. To me, you deserved perfect, so I tried to give you the best things that would make you smart and independent. I tried to give you tools to eat from the earth, and not junk. To love all kinds of music. To love to wear secondhand clothes, and not get caught up on material things. I tried to teach you to love simplicity, and not need fancy and glittery. To love all types of people. I let you guys dye your hair blue, when other parents freaked out. I taught you manners, so you could walk into any room and know that you belong there. I taught you that you are worth it. You are worth it. You were always worth it. When others told me you weren't, I insisted that you were.

-The most sick thing that you ever did is made us believe that everything we went through was normal. I've lived and stayed with so many other people, I think it's safe to say it was not normal. I'm not okay.-

I don't know anyone who had "normal". When you start talking to them, it starts to come out. Their dad was gay, or an alcoholic, or they were on welfare, or they kept moving to avoid the police, or their mother committed suicide, or their mother wasn't really their mother...
Humans of New York shows us that, too. Normal people walking around, but they all carry this story, of how things weren't normal. Some people have horrible pasts to overcome.

-But even through all that shit, they still managed to give their children the best childhood they could. You did amazing things as a parent and you tried your best, but you would purposely make us feel like shit. You had so much built up anger that you didn't know what to do with it.-

I had my kids and thought as long as I didn't make the mistakes my mom had made, it would be ok. I thought, since I had child development training, and early childhood education, that I could do ok. I read books, and took classes.
And I didn't make the mistakes my mom made. I made all new ones.
But when you're in it, and there's no way out, and everyone around you has different ideas of what needs done to your kids to make them behave, you start to lose your bearings.
But I always got up. Wyle E Coyote. Bill Clinton. Oprah. The little acorn dude in Ice Age. Lady Gaga. Cher. You get back up. You try again. And again.

-You can't hold things that toddlers did against the adults they have become. You should have not had kids if you still had all these issues.-

But you see, you don't even know you still have the issues, lol. You find out five and ten years in. You don't know how you will feel about things, even if you think you do. I always knew if I had a son I'd keep his hair short. I always said that. Til I got a son. And he wanted long hair. Lots of people criticized my parenting then, but I didn't care. If my son wanted long hair, so what?
It's a million little decisions like that every day, with the world- your family, friends, tv, movies, commercials, all telling you what you should do, and it's all different.
Every day, a million choices, a million decisions. When to push, when to let them fall, when to do it yourself, when to make them learn it. Do you push your kids to brush their teeth, or let them get meth mouth?
And you do it on lack of sleep, lack of money, lack of support, lack of love, because the kids will hate you. God, they will hate you, no matter what. They will hate you when you pour your blood out and you are sick, and in the hospital, they will hate you because they had to miss pokemon. If I could do it over, I'd do lots of things differently. But we don't get to do it over. We have to live with the mistakes. That's the curse.

"You know, come to think of it. You really don't have to be a good parent, so long as you teach your kids forgiveness."  ~Rich Wellner

Inertia

Hey. You know that moment when you know you should work out... And then you don't. And 5 seconds later you know you *won't*?
You've had that, right?
Ok, so what do you say to yourself in those 5 seconds to make it a yes?
I am really struggling with a lot of things right now (exercise being an important one) and I just stay in my fat little cozy comfort zone.
What am I waiting for? What am I scared of? Looking good? Being healthy?
Well... Not being able to breathe is a big one. Being too hot or too cold, too. Getting a headache. Peeing my pants....
All of these are fixable though.
I need to go to the grocery store. I don't like it but I need my bp medication. And I'm looking forward to buying mushrooms.
I've also been putting off going to Sam's club for a long time. Last time I went was July. I'm slowly running out of everything. One thing is that ginormous container they sell of parmesan cheese. I love parmesan cheese. Yes, I am aware they sell parmesan cheese at the regular grocery store but if I buy it there, I may never get to Sam's to get the rest of the stuff I need.

I have thought about it. I have realized the problems, and what I particularly dread. I imagine myself getting through those moments successfully. Over and over. I try to pump myself up. But then I decide I can live without parmesan cheese. And I don't go.
I say "Wouldn't it be nice to have parmesan cheese?". But it's not enough to make me go.

I also need to have my daughter's junk car pulled out of here.
But I don't call.
I have a list of 20 reasons why.
I almost typed "I'm tired of being paralyzed", but it's not true. I'm not tired of it. Or I would do something about it.

It's not laziness. Laziness doesn't come with a hammering heart and sweaty hands, and bowels that liquify at the thought of making a phone call to a towing company.
...

I just called. They can tow it today sometime.

So. Talking about it helped.

Now the gym.

...Or not.

One thing at a time.

Minimalism vs My Superpower

"You'll never really maximize your space until you get the right relationship with your stuff, which takes some soul-searching work."

"Nothing new. Nothing that pees." - Valgardr

Look around at all your stuff. How many of those items would you buy again?
... or would you really rather just have the money?

Look around at all the stuff you hang on to but don't use, and you don't even love it. Isn't it selfish to keep all these items you don't even use, when someone else could be making use of them?

Declutter and let go of the person you imagined you'd be with these unused items.

Beaded curtains and a fondue pot won't make a bunch of hippie friends show up to play acoustic guitar on your back porch.

All these unused craft supplies didn't magically turn you into an artist.

Those long skirts and birks don't make you any more likely to hang out at a coffee shop discussing literature.

Bookshelves full of DIY and home improvement projects don't add value to your house if you never actually do the projects.

Let go of the people you'd hoped to become. Work on being the person you *are*, and being the best you.

I liked being able to "save the day".
Do you have an extra sleeping bag/ tent/ lantern/ cooler?

Do you have orange knee-hi socks? I'm going as Velma for Halloween.

Do you have an extra cat carrier?

Do you have a wok/ popcorn popper/ waffle iron?

Do you have *every novelty cake pan Wilton ever made* because my kid wants a *insert theme* birthday party.

Do have extra snowpants/ ice skates/ roller skates/ skis/ tennis racket/ karate sparring gear?

Do you have an extra floor lamp/ rug/ recliner/ comforter?

I am a superhero and my superpower is always having the very item you need. I have 3,000 sq ft of house plus two sheds *full* of stuff just waiting to be borrowed by a kid or friend.
 I'm retiring. They can get it themselves, or do without.

I have 2 dozen pool towels. We don't even go to the pool!
One pool towel per person might do.
I'm just now realizing I don't need to bring enough extra towels so that everyone at the party who forgot their towel has a towel.

Literally hundreds of movies I will never watch again. 

"But what if someone needs to borrow Rabbit Proof Fence?"

Textbooks. Let's face it. My kids are quasi-morons and will never study molecular biology.

"But what if? What if they pick up this book and it sparks something in their brain and they go on to cure cancer?!"

I'm realizing my kids are far, far more likely to *get* cancer than to cure it, lol.

We are already doing what we'd be doing. Readers read. Writers write. Bakers bake. Shoppers shop. We do what we would be doing. We keep the rest around for guilt.

If you aren't ready for the bandaid method, I've found it helps to box it all up and let it 'season' a few months. If you find you really do need it, go get it. But if after a year (or whatever "dooms day" date you write on the box), you've barely thought about the contents, get rid of it. It's so freeing.