I Have the Closet of a Six Year Old

My kids have been watching What Not To Wear, and the dvd they were most recently watching was "Mom Makeovers".

Featured were moms wearing droopy-butt sweats to the mall, moms in ratty jeans at the grocery store, moms in huge floral prints at work...

WNTW throws away all their old clothes, and gives them $5,000 to buy the clothes WNTW wants them to have.

These moms needed updated and to spend a little time on themselves. I get it.

But more than once during the show, a family member turned to me and said, "See, Lisa?"

No, I do not see.

I do not have an office job. I am not a business executive. I am not even attempting to "bring home the bacon, and fry it up in the pan".

I love playing dress-up. I love costumes and unique clothes. My costumes and 'normal' clothes are kept in the same small closet, because I do not distinguish between the two. If I want to dress up today as pirate, or a gunslinger, a peasant, a Death Eater, a Tuchux wench, or Ursula the Sea Witch, I can!

And as a homeschooling mom, I've got the perfect job that allows me the freedom to be quirky and fun. Granted, this has on occasion had the unfortunate, yet hilarious result of finding myself at a Dairy Mart inflating a low tire as the Queen of Hearts, but if Stacy and Clinton ever pounced on me and offered me $5,000 to trash all my favorite clothes, I'd tell them "hell, no!" and smack them with my pink flamingo croquet mallet.

Here are just a few more items I'd defend:

Peasant Grrrl Outfit- I wore this out to dinner last year and my date asked me if I was "turning into a flake". Yes, of course I wore shoes. Well, boots. My tall suede pirate boots.

Brown oxfords, scrunchy socks and stripy pants- I love 1940's shoes. So many looks came out of that era: Pin-Up, Bombshell, WW2 Service Women, Classic Hollywood, Rockabilly...

Silver flats, for my princess days. I wear these any time I want to dress up, but will be on my feet all day or night. People talk all the time about the bad old days when women wore painful corsets (which I also own), however I can honestly say that I've experienced far more pain from modern high heeled shoes than I ever have from my corset. So when I'm dancing the night away, these are the slippers you'll see on my feet.

Chucks, with teddy bear patch. I wore Chucks through the 80's, and refused to give them up. Hi-tops and lo-tops change the fashion scene every decade, but I just hang on to my hi-top ones and wait for them to come around again.

These are probably ten years old, and still in great shape. They aren't going anywhere.

Frye Harness Boots- these were my reward to myself for losing 50 pounds. They go with everything, except possibly swimwear (googles "frye boots" + "swimsuit"...). Stay tuned.

Knoc Martens- you've seen them here before.

Poppy Pants. I love these pants, and usually wear them with a black t-shirt and black canvas mary janes (see below).

I don't care that no one wears these anymore. I like them!

Striped over-the-knee socks, great for that house-just-fell-on-me feeling. I love my over-the-knee socks. I have dozens of them, and wear them with boots, skirts, dresses, shorts...

In fact, let's add any and all patterned tights and stockings.

Any vintage style... anything that looks like something you saw in an 80's Prince video.

My jacquard pants, with covered buttons (shown here with leather granny boots).

My grommet hat, actually, all of my Steampunk clothes.

My top hat, silk lined with a silk band and real hat pin. This hat takes on a life of its own at any party where it is part of my outfit. I buy my kids $5 versions, because they always end up on the snowmen.

My knit hat, stolen fair and square out of the lost and found, after watching it for a year. The first time I wore it out in public, I was so afraid that the original owner would spot it and shout, "Hey! That's mine!"

She did. I told her "Finders keepers, losers weepers.".

Last but not least, the corset. A birthday gift to myself several years ago, this corset goes to Ren Fest, it transforms me into Ursula, it goes to New Years Eve parties, and is one of the most fun things I own.

So if you are among friends and family even thinking about submitting my name to this show, know this- you can keep the 5k; I'm not going.