Candy Thermometer

In all the candy recipes in my many cookbooks, there are specific directions to use an item called a candy thermometer. These directions leave little room for error, such as

"As soon as the mixture reaches 300, remove from heat immediately, allow to cool to exactly 275, and pour into molds."

I did not have a candy thermometer.
I have a regular kitchen thermometer. I also have an oral thermometer (which you can't even buy anymore), a rectal thermometer (!) , and an ear-scan thermometer (in this house called the Ear-O-Meter), but no candy thermometer.
Most of the directions give an alternative method to their oh-so-precise candy thermometer method, which usually reads,

"If you do not have a candy thermometer and still want to attempt this recipe, periodically drip the liquid into a coffee cup of cold water and make a guess. It will probably end in disaster, with candy no one will want to eat, and your kitchen will be a sticky mess for nothing. Why don't you just go buy a candy thermometer?"

And so in the past, I would flip right past those recipes and just make brownies (bake at 350 for 55 minutes, or until they smell so good you just have to take them out and eat them now), instead.

I've recently decided I'd like to try my hand at making lollipops, hard tack candy, and Jolly Rancher- type goodies. So, the first thing I did was head out to the local kitchen gadget store to buy an official candy thermometer.
I foolishly assumed I'd find one or two types hanging on a rack, in between the garlic presses and lemon zesters.
When I asked the friendly sales person where I would find a candy thermometer, he very helpfully guided me to the cooking thermometer aisle, then to the section that comprised the actual candy thermometers.
Then the friendly sales person asked me if I was looking for a digital candy thermometer, or a candy and jelly thermometer, perhaps a glass deluxe candy thermometer, a tempering thermometer, a remote thermometer, a professional grade thermometer, a beeping thermometer, a digital oil and candy thermometer...
I felt like a guy in the feminine hygiene aisle. I quickly went into a brain-lock.
I stammered, "Um... I just want to make lollipops."
My Thermometer Sherpa took my stammering as an invitation to explicate the differences and gimmicks of each thermometer.
"This one is digital, very accurate. This one takes into account the humidity of the room you are cooking in, this one has a unit that clips to your apron and allows you to attend other things and keep an eye on the temperature at the same time... "

My eyes glazed over and I interrupted him to ask the most relevant question of all:
"Which one is the cheapest?"

He looked aghast, as if I had just suggested that none of those features were important to me and I was just wanting a cheap, plain candy thermometer to make lollipops.
Which I was.
He gave a deep sigh and said, "You don't want the cheapest. Here, you want this one, it lists the different stages of sugar as it cooks. It also has an adjustable clip to attach it to the pan and keep it off the bottom."

I took the thermometer from him and walked to the register. Fifteen dollars later, I was the proud owner of a lower-middle-range candy thermometer.

I brought it home and showed it to Ron.

"Look, it lists the stages... 'Hard Ball'... 'Soft Crack'... 'Hard Crack'..."

"What, no 'Meth' setting?"

"No... just 'crack' settings. I didn't get the expensive one."

"That's probably why meth labs blow up... cheap thermometers."